like, wow!

i was walking to my bio lecture today, with my eyes down because it was so sunny out (what a beautiful day it was!)..

and some guy jumps (literally, leapt) in front of me, right in my path!

i look up..

and it's kris! the (now ex-) rower! do you remember him?

i was shocked. "he-eey i know this guy! this is the guy!" i said to him, while i pointed at his face with my half empty nestea bottle.

ahh i was just drinking some pop and it splashed into my eye!

his head (he's quite tall) was blocking the sun (yep, he's THAT tall). and i was squinting into his face. he was smiling and his head looked like it was emitting rays of sunlight.

it was a yellow-sunny day. the good kind.

so the reason why i was shocked was because i thought he was avoiding me. maybe not avoiding per se, but remember when i said that i kept seeing kris around campus and in chem, but i was always too lazy to say hi, and i was sure he saw me, but he was too lazy to say hi as well?

remember how we went to lunch so many weeks ago, and he wasn't wearing any underwear under his rip-off pants, because he had some kind of a crazy party night the night before? and we went to the student centre and ate a pretty awkward meal, then went to look at mac clothes, which was also awkward and boring? and the whole time it was pretty quiet, and i somehow, ever so eloquently, brought up the subject of snot running down my face during swim practice (yep, I brought it up. as in we weren't even anywhere near the subject of mucus and sports)?

classy? you know it!

it was pretty odd. it was like we were two totally different people. a good word to describe our conversation would be: zing. i had written him off as a boring self-absorbed wannabe partier, but not anymore, i guess. it was fun, yip.

he forgot my name! he ran up to meet me, but forgot my name!
cindy?
i liked how it should have been an awkward moment, but ended up being a hilarious one.

while standing on the lawn, all the students criss crossing the paths, robin bumps into me!
"this is kris"
as soon as i said that i cringed. robin is the kind of person to then say, "OH YEAH, KRIS THE ROWER WHO YOU THOUGHT WAS CUTE, BUT THEN HUNG OUT WITH HIM AND DECIDED HE WASN'T SO GREAT AFTERALL? hey, nice to meet you, i'm robin."
for once, her ignoring half the stories i tell her came in handy. she didn't remember anything about him. which makes sense, since it was pratically two months since any such conversations were had.

i dunno what it is, but it's as if we can act like we're good friends since we met a while ago. but then, we haven't seen or talked for a long while as well, and we were both pretty hyper (i had just bought some bristol board and was thinking of all the neat things i could do with it. for seriously, for seriously), so it was quitecomfortable and funny.

it reminded me of when i first met steve w, while at chapters, when we were about to go to see charlie's angels with a bunch of mel's friends.

probably because he's tall too.

i sound like i'm gushing, but i'm just very pleasently surprised. all this time, kris was kind of like a metaphor for my on-again, off-again disappointment with mac. which, i hope to say, is now off.

afterwards, when i was finally about to get to the building (it took me perhaps twenty minutes to move fifteen feet) robin was standing in front with her friends who she was meeting for lunch (the "little" ones). she stopped me and said that we looked pretty.. what was the word.. "comfie" with each other. her friends were looking at me and smiling. she was doing that knowing/smug smile that people do when they imply such things. i yelled: "i know what you're sayin'. and that's cause WE'RE LUVAHS! LUVAAAAAAHS!" and ran into the building.

now that i'm re-living it, it was a pretty weird hour.

whenever i'm around robin and her friends, i end up implying that robin and i make out all the time. i'm not sure how it happens, but i've said, "what she's trying to say is, we're lesbians. together. in so many ways.", or some derivative of that, everytime i've gone out with them. which actually isn't that much. all two times. now the running joke with them is how i make out with robin's bedsheets and stuffed animals. the story behind that is robin's bedsheets are loverly beyond comprehension. they are so soft and make any surface feel like a waterbed. they also smell nice. so when i go to robin's room, which is usually because i've had a bad day and want to vent, i lie face down on her bed and compliment her sheets. i think i came up with the making out part myself, because that's the kind of thing i do. the stuffed animal joke is because i was playing with her stuffed bunny and tried to make it hang from the bars of robin's wire bed. i ended up making it pole dance. unintentional, totally unintentional.

it's amazing how realistic it looked.

you know, realistic compared to all the pole dancers i've seen. all the pole dancing bunnies.

...

i saw the team chiropractor yesterday.
holy crap..
i don't understand how pain cures pain, but it works.

meet on saturday. versus the western mustangs.
it is also grey's stag and doe party! the team is going.
i didn't know what a stag and doe party was until last week.

i enjoy seeing/meeting my teacher's/coaches significant others.
i'm not sure why..

bio test tomorrow.

interesting that a bunch of you saw rocky horror picture show recently, because they're showing it tonight at quarters.

i've wanted to see it for a while.
but i won't go.

i really did hurt my groin breast stroking.
i always say that, but this time it's true.
it hurts.
LOOK AT IIIIT!!

i noticed all my short posts get the comments.

hrm.

i've typed out the whole acapulco deal so many times (eg. emails to family, asking for their opinions) that i know it gets less and less interesting everytime because i'm less concerned with conveying my feelings towards it.

robin, i do want to go. if i didn't want to go, i wouldn't be considering it because it'd be so much easier that way. for the record, i don't consider this a huge deal, and i realize that the fact that this is considered some kind of an "issue" is somewhat pathetic. but here goes..

ahema hema hem.

wait a minute. why don't you guys know what's going on with acapulco? this is my blog. if anyone should know what's going on, it should be whoever reads this.

here is the condensed version:

acapulco:
ten days of training camp. four hours a day, two in the morning, two in the evening. why acapulco? why not? change of state of mind, change of pace (urg..), change of scenery. "best training out of the year happens in acapulco". many other teams go as well. last year they had an exhibition meet against notre dame and won, supposedly. did you know the teams from the states aren't allowed to drink? interesting. anyway, it's also about team bonding, though which comes first (bonding or training) differs depending on who you talk to. no, that's not true. they say it's about training first, always, and that it's hard-ass training, and you want to die, but everyone only remembers (or talks about) the fun stuff that went on. "especially since it's your rookie year.. it'd be the worst year to miss". "i know that you might not feel like it's really a team yet, but trust me, after acapulco, everything changes". "it's the difference between taking 5 seconds off and just maintaining how you've been swimming" <- i believe you've read that one.

and so on.

my mom's opinion:
ultimately, it's my decision.
however, she's been so stressed out this year, and things can only get worse. she's been looking forward to christmas holidays with all her kids ever since she realized i was the last one to leave. Mark comes home (from his teaching in Cyprus) on the 22nd. if i go, my presence will be missed, and "christmas" will be "cut short".
she was overjoyed (and man oh man.. if anyone could be overjoyed, she was it.) when i told her i wasn't going to go. she was quite impressed and kept telling everyone about my "sacrifice". then i turned around and said "mm, i think i'll go afterall, thanks."

her answer: "make sure you talk to your brothers about it. *sigh*"

dad's two cents. (but it's my dad, so it's more like his life savings)
you can go any year, but this year.
you're so young, a rookie, and a girl. this all equals pressure and danger.
especially being in mexico by yourself.
you don't know the legal system
if anything happens, even if you're totally innocent, there'll be trouble.
it's napoleonic law there, you'd be helpless.
the coach sees you as adults, he won't want to get involved.
the fact that they're pressuring you tells you they don't respect your decision and only see you as a step to getting the championship.
they are the swim team, and as they see it, swimming is their concern. you have to look after everything else yourself.
you're putting yourself in a situation where no matter what you do, you can't get out of it.
just the fact that you're a part of the team, or a tourist, or anything, means you're involved. even if you are totally innocent.
the way to avoid this is to just not put yourself in the situation in the first place; don't go.
if you end up going and decide to stay in the hotel all the time to stay out of trouble, the team will be disappointed in you and let you know it. they'll treat you differently because you're ruining their fun.
go any other year, not this year.
it's not worth it.
think of what'll happen if you get thrown in jail for something someone else does. it'll be on your permanent record. why risk your career for that?

but it's your decision. and i'll support you. but don't go.
(then he decided to leave out the fact that no matter what i choose, he'll keep telling me all this over and over..)

a rebuttal of sorts:
the coaches decided to start asking me to go again because they weren't expecting me to qualify for nationals so early in the year. most people qualify after training camp, and half a season's worth of training. i qualified after about a month of "getting back in shape" swimming. i'm extremely unhappy with how i ended swimming with the dolphins. all this time i thought that that was how my swimming would end. with me fizzling out. wasted. i never expected to get a second chance with varsity.

mark would leave about 3 days after i would leave for acapulco.

a little more info:
we'd leave on the 28th of december, but gaye wants us to be together on the 27th since "the plane will wait for a bus of fifty-five people, but not one person". i'd miss two days max of school. those being the first two of the new term, which is nothing.

i asked my brothers what they thought. so far only mark has replied.

acapulco-related parts of mark's email:

"About the training camp, I think it's a great opportunity. I suppose
I'm not ecstatic about you not being at home for as long as you can be,
but I can't blame you for wanting to go. It sounds like a great
opportunity.

A couple of questions first. Why did the coaches want you to go to
training camp so badly in the first place? [they want everyone to go. i said no, and they reluctantly accepted. then i made nationals when they thought i wouldn't (how many times have i mentioned this, now?), which made them decide to try to get me to go again] Also, why were they
surprised when you qualified for nationals? [gaye: "qualifying for CIs at the first meet of the year? that's unheard of!" swimmers: "i swear, i thought you were slow". i dunno why they were surprised. i sound like an ass when i say this, but i wasn't.]

The training camp will have a positive impact on your performance. I
don't have any doubt about that. The issue is why you want to go to
training camp. If you're going because you want to swim fast, improve
your performance and get ready for school (don't forget about
school!!!), then I'd say you have the right attitude. If you're going
just because it sounds like fun, then, well, I'd say you'd probably get
more out of training with the Dolphins (or by yourself) in Trenton over
Christmas.

(Now I'm going to launch into a long monologue... Sorry...) The team
bonding thing sounds like a good thing, but, in the end, when you're
swimming, it's all up to you. It's not really a team sport, even though
your team does provide a certain degree of support. If you're
motivated, focused and know what you're looking for, then this training
will be beneficial. Basically, it's all up to you (what you get out of
this training session, that is... The team bonding isn't going to
directly help your times that much.)

If you're asking my opinion, you have the right attitude. Just make
sure you phone Ma Ma (and us!!) a lot when you get down there so Ma Ma
doesn't feel so bad. To be honest, I'm more worried about you being
burned out before school starts. Just leave enough time for homework,
phone often, work hard and I'll be satisfied. I love you. Good luck.
Let me know what happens."

that's all i have, i suppose. for now, at least.

lunch with ashley l.

i'm not sure why people are interested in this. i guess you might think i have some gossip to tell, maybe some bad stuff to say about her, but i don't really. it was almost boring, almost awkward.

she's on my msn list and we figured out a time we could meet. it took a while. a few weeks ago we said "yeah, we should definately meet up!" but didn't bother setting a time, which is pretty crucial for these kind of things to work out. before this lunch, we hadn't run into each other yet. she, being in social science, and myself, being in science, basically never even go into the same buildings. so we set a date. and it really did seem like a date. "alright! see you there! i'm excited!"

so we meet. she's looking normal. a little different. probably because she wasn't dressed in a uniform. i don't remember if she wore a lot of make up at school, but she was comfortably dressed. we got food. she's in a triple room. she likes one of her roomates, but not the other. the other one (called: "bangs" for her ugly bangs, i guess) is made fun of mercilessly. her roommate (the one she likes) and her roommate's friend met up with us. i liked her roommate and friend. her roommate was slightly like the people ashley would hang out with in ttown, but her friend wasn't. they were quite friendly. i left to go to class, as did ashley.

the end.

tim (one of the boy's team captains) was singing "sweet city woman" at practice sometime last week, and it's been stuck in my head ever since.

the meeting with grey was regarding the insanity that was the quarter's outing after the first two meets. i think we're banned from using our varsity cards, but we're writing letters and such. a friend told me the wrestlers tell quarters they're the squash players when they go, so they won't get in trouble, but for some reason they told them they were swimmers last time. and stole stuff.

so after that meeting, which was about the stuff you'd expect to hear from a coach after he hears about half the stuff that went on, the boys decided to "do the chief".

we were already initiated, but i suppose they were... initiated.. again?
only this time the older swimmers told them not to do it if they didn't want to.
"i wouldn't."
(hah, what a great quote)
that's how bad it was..

each of the rookie boys gets a bottle of dessert wine. this wine is well known for it's low low price and high high alcohol content.
they are to finish their bottles in an hour.
then go out and smash it with a golf club.

we (the girl swimmers) went to Dee's house after helping out at the meet to watch some movies and eat pasta. we decided to go to the boy's house to check out how they were doing.
so we did.
you could smell the puke from outside.
most were already drunk.
it was maybe 9pm?
not all the rookie boys were there, which is probably for the best.

a good way to sum up the whole experience would be this:
at one point all of us were crammed on the couches, facing one rookie who was lying belly down on the couch across from us. his arms were flailed out carelessly, one leg on the floor, one let resting over the couch's armrest. his head was half in a wastepaper basket that was a quarter full of his own puke. sometimes someone would go over to wake him up, but when they'd touch his head, they'd jerk back, stare at their hand, sniff it, make a disgusted face, and wipe it on the rookie's shirt.

haha

*sob*

we left soon after leah (pronounced: LEE-ah, malcom's [the guy housemate-robin met in the hospital waiting room] sister) replaced the puke bucket with a fresh one.
"you're such a good samaritan, leah!"

a lot of people swim breaststroke at practice now.
they're all faster than me.

this weekend, western is at mac. i'm swimming all the breaststroke events, and nothing but. i guess that's okay..
i hate when people are faster than me at breaststroke (at least, other rookies) because i feel like it's all i have.

all i have when it comes to swimming.
as in, going fast.

you know what i mean.

i went grocery shopping today. i was on a "look at me, i just went grocery shopping all by myself!" high the rest of the day. until swimming.

the girl beside me in calc turned to me and asked if i went to sci school. turns out she's from the semester after me! woww! she recognized me from all my biotech trips up. i hope i see her again. i'm tired of meeting interesting people then having them disappear in the wilderness that is mac.

so there it is, boyos. enjoy it while you can.

so, sorry about the crappy blog lately.

who the hell cares about acapulco.

although emma's comment kind of made me want to slap her. what a hoe! haahaha

remind me to tell you about the lunch i had with ashley l.

(yep, i came back just to say that. i guess i'm NOT SORRY AT ALL, BOYOS!!)

acapulco,

should i go or not?

please leave a comment.

reminder to self:

- meeting with grey
- boys doing the chief tonight.

mark is such a great brother!

i have funny pictures to follow soon..

spent the whole day with the swim team. and guess where i'm going now?

to watch inspirational sports movies at a swimmer's house.

i think it's safe to say that it's happened.

remind me to tell you about last night

saw "lost in translation". it was a very good movie. i really really liked how they managed to capture what it's really like, to be in a new place, feeling lost, and as if the world is running by you. or a new unfamiliar place.. i was reminded of many things..

i'm going to acapulco.

i mean, training camp.

so i'm aware that lately people will be going through my archives. i almost want to read them myself, to see what they'll be reading, but i often just can't stand to read stuff i used to write about. i was about to say "it sickens me" but that's too strong a statement. it makes me a little woozy, i'd say.

alright, it's my birthday. i'm 18 and feeling fine.

yesterday i had postal service's "angel pumping gas" stuck in my head.

it wasn't until after practice that i realized i had changed the words to "angel mowing grass"

AAAGH i'm so sore!!

You ask, "Will that be credit or cash?"
But my Chevron card was lost in the trash
You say that, "You will have to pay inside"
As my heart broke in two, I felt like I could die

my nap was extended.
i don't know why i try having naps. they never work out.

choni came in and told me my dad was on the phone. we all have different ring tones to our own numbers; i have no idea why they keep picking my calls up. it's insignificant (kind of) but pisses me off.

on that note, we're all getting along somewhat better. i think we're more tolerent and lazy. except that aiko told me today that someone's been eating her food. that's pretty low.

robin came in at around 12. she saw me sleeping on top of my blankets, fully dressed. after asking me what i was doing the friday before my birthday, and hearing me say "nuthin'" she informed me that she and naomi had a surprise for me. wow. a surprise that i'm aware exists. thanks guys. i guess i'm ungrateful because i finally met all her new friends (i almost put in "little" because they remind me of little little kids) when we went out the other night. i used to be a little jealous that robin had so many new (on-campus) friends, but after meeting them i realized that i'd rather have less friends than a whole bunch of annoying, boring, frustrating, (so on..) friends.

josie emailed me telling me j. e. passed away. i'm not sad in the way that i'm sure his family is, but i'm sad in the way that when i think of him, i see him as how i last saw him. That is, a 6 year old boy (somewhere around there). Who is now dead. i can't believe it. especially the way he died.

i want to write her back.

practice was especially tiring today. my limbs feel like they're made out of lead.
i feel insulted and disrespected by the stuff i heard about, and posted in last post. even though it's not directly (.. i hope it's not directly related to me) related to me, just the fact that they look at the rookies that way frustrates me.

it's not all of them, but most of them. and when they're all together, i guess it might as well be all of them.

it's not like they treat you differently at practice, in fact i wouldn't have found out unless that girl told me all about it. but once i heard about it, you could tell it was true.

sad.

back to work.

disgusting

i just found out that the older guys had a $150 bet that one of them (a specific one) would get laid last saturday. by a rookie.

for the record, some of the rookies are still 17. they, however, are in their early twenties?

one of the guy's team captains made out with two rookies. two drunk rookies. one has a boyfriend.
supposedly, on the bus home, he was thinking of which ones would be easy/worth getting.

this second year was like, "it'll happen again. believe me. again, and again, and again, and AGAIN in acapulco!"

oh my.
she was jabbing her finger towards us on every 'again'.

"you think it's hard when you're at quarter's and drunk? think of it when you're lying on a beach together, and it's warm, and you've all been together for the last week, and there's still a few days until you get home..."

but then someone informed me that she's the slut of the women's team.
which would explain why she said "the guys hate the women's team. i dunno about the rookies. at least they say they do.. i'm pretty much the only female who is friends with them"

"no wonder why" says my stool pidgeon.

haha

that's really gross about the guys though.
my comment: why is the team so fucked up this year? (because i know exactly what it's been like all the other years.)
reply: it's always been like this.

iieeww...

i can understand getting involved with, say, one person. but.. about 4-5 in 10 days? whoa now..

"we annoy each other, we drink together, we make out together. the teamcest is everywhere."
that's what was said to me the first time i was at erin's house, after i confessed how pamela told me that she heard the guys and girls on mac hate each other.

pamela, being on the toronto team, would feel obligated to say something like that.

emma, i hope you enjoy this post.

the past week's worth of posts have been about swimming.
i love how i'm so focused on school.

i just noticed i went through a whole day (tuesday) without blogging.

hooray.

probably because i was busy reading anything i could find about the rivalry between u of t and mac's swim teams.
(seriously. every single blurb from past seasons)

i didn't realize kipp was such a huge deal during his swimming career.

i wonder what people think about me living in janet cook's old house.

grey's getting married the day before we go to acapulco. whut's wit dat.
he listened to me complain about having to come back to hamilton from ttown, just to go to toronto the next morning, for about 15 straight minutes. then mentioned "well i'm getting married the day before. so..."

you win this one, fairley.

i just came back from the bio lab.

early!

my new "lab partner" (quotations because we don't really have official lab partners) is named pui-sai. but she's a banana, like me. she's pretty cool of a girl.

one odd incident:
she asked if i was christian.
i didn't answer because i thought she was asking someone their name.
but then i realized she was watching me.
i am, i said.
she said, i could tell, you have that christian air.
(!?!?)
i was really surprised. i've never been told i seemed christian before.
officially i'm catholic, but i can barely call myself a calender christian.

i guess because i'm polite.

doesn't this fit in perfectly with the whole theme of me being innocent, naive, and sheltered?

it's coo though.

i was going to say "i feel like i have to swear now"
but i didn't.

i laughed, inwardly.

i was packing up my stuff to leave and asked if she still needed my ruler. she said "no, thanks. see? CHRISTIAN!"

food now!

RIGHT HERE *points to eye*

oh my gawd!

i had no idea!

hahha it's so not a big thing at all, since no one ever hears about the athletes of the week, but dope, yo!

hahaha dope.

i feel a lot happier because leah (another rookie) from the swim team is an awesome girl. she's real, and i am thankful for it.

[note: the male athlete of the week's description is so much more impressive than mine. aaHEE!]

[another note: i wish they had mentioned where i'm from. ah well]

i just remembered and thought you might appreciate this:

gaye wants us to wear leg warmers at swim meets. to keep our legs and ankles warm.
this may be the first time that they're actually being warm for a practical purpose, outside of dance.

i have practice today.

life is different.

am i changing?

i had my first two meets in a long while, this weekend (over a year..)

away at laurier. versus the laurier golden hawks and the york yeomen

met up with robin and steph w (hooray!), took some funny pictures. i'll post them someday (the same day i do the first impressions. hah.). they gave me an awesome gift.

almost missed my 50br race.

actually,
i did miss it. however, they let me swim in the heat afterwards, thankfully because

i made CIs (nationals).
which is in toronto this year.
the last two years, they've been in BC.

so everyone was congratulating me.
and suddenly everyone on the team is giving me so much more attention (i'll get back to this).

gaye was mad. because i nearly missed it. and they might not count the time because i swam in the wrong heat.
grey tells me i made CIs. i had no reaction. everyone was saying "good job" and hugging me, but i didn't know how to act. i felt so awkward, uncomfortable. it felt like everyone was watching me. they expected me to be overjoyed, but i didn't care, really. to be honest, i was surprised the qualifying time for nationals for 50br was so high. plus, i figured i would go to CIs anyway, because i have a national time in 100br. everyone's telling me "it's such a big deal" "i don't think you see how big this is.."

i went to warm down.

gaye stops me. he basically says this:
- they're adjusting the rules so your time counts, you're going to CIs.
- don't make that mistake again
- rethink your decision about not going to acapulco
- acapulco is a very big deal
- bring your brother if you have to
- go to acapulco
- "qualifying for CIs at the first meet of the year? that's unheard of!"
- "i don't think you realize how good you could be"

someone somewhere used to think i'd be really good.
"the most natural talent i've ever seen"
then i just..
i don't know what happened.

i still feel like everyone's watching me.

i should be really happy

i just like attention.

a couple of swimmers are always trying to talk to me, go arm in arm with me now.
they're so transparent.
why do they be like that for?

when we were about to leave, this girl i thought was named sheena (but now it think it's Kat[rina?]), a fourth year, asked to sit on the bus with me. who does that? we sat together. it was obvious she was supposed to talk to me about going to acapulco. she was trying to figure out a way to start talking about acapulco, and i couldn't stand it anymore so i said "so how about acapulco?". later she told me gaye told her to talk to me and i told her i knew. she said to expect more upper years to be coming to me to talk to me about acapulco.

the special olympian on our team was telling hilarious stories about competitive disabled swimming.
"there are some people who have no limbs, they're just a body and a head. and since they can't dive, they just drop them in the pool and away they go.."

away at brock. versus the brock badgers and the laurentian voyageurs

i did okay.
on the bus ride home, it was 3 to a seat, and people still had to sit on the floor. i was balancing with half my ass on a seat, while i hovered over a guy who was on the ground. it looked like i was sitting on his crotch. people commented, as they tend to do.

at quarter's. just now.

they told us that after every meet we go to quarter's. as we are on varsity, we get to bypass the line (ooh lala. :| )
i saw amanda on the way in. she was on her way out after a failed attempt to get in. we said hello but kept moving past each other. she said "how are you gonna get in?!". i wanted her to come with me, but there was no point. maybe it was rude that i didn't stop and talk. i kept moving.

we got in after a little while. it turned out there was a huge mob of people at the other entrance. they all had varsity cards. they rugby team had a match that day too. one swimmer was turned away for causing a small fuss. she was drunk. i was "beer no!"-ed, and went in.

quarters would be a fun place.

if only people would stop telling me to loosen up. i had one beer, at erin (one of the women's team captains) house so was obviously sober. it's like a frat (not sorority. fraternity) sometimes (i.e. always)

everyone was pretty drunk, especially the girls.
one girl, rosie sat down and had a chat.
i found out the following:
- she went through the team roster with her friend shannon
- they were marking off who they thought would go to CIs and who wouldn't.
- they said i wouldn't.
- they thought i was a geek (rosie kept saying "you gotta get out, drinking isn't everything, but it's the answer to everything")
- she likes me a lot. ( "i fucking like you a lot, man! oh man!" )
- she likes me so much she "went to shannon and told her you're cool, man! yeah, like you're so cool! i go to her, and i'm like, yeah, she's actually pretty cool!"
- didn't realize she was being offensive when she kept telling me studying isn't everything, even if you're oriental. you got to get out (she doesn't even know me!!), drink, loosen up... oh stereotypes.
- "look, you're beautiful!" me: "oh rosie... *shaking my head at how she was saying all the drunken classics (i.e. i love you, man! and you're beautiful!)*" rosie: "no, you are and you don't even know it! i tell you you are and you say you aren't!" i didn't say i wasn't. isn't this great? now i'm an introvert, shy, sheltered, (let's not forget oriental, which is ALSO a personality trait) and i have a poor self-image. i've rarely had people assume i was insecure before. what a conundrum. you're tempted to prove to them how you aren't, but you're secure enough to not bother going through the trouble or changing their opinions. i was about to say : "look rosie, i know i'm beautiful." but who the hell says that?!

we talked at the brock meet, right before leaving. we're both from complicated families, is the jist of it. i like rosie. i wish she wouldn't take it upon herself to "make me have fun". i'm extremely frustrated with everyone assuming things about me.

i saw eunice on the way in.
"stephiiiiiiieeeE! i'm so glad you're getting out! aaaaaaaaaawww my little stephiiiiiee. goin' to quarter's, all grown up!"
(no, she wasn't drunk)






just typing that makes breathing quicken and my fists clench. that is all the attention that that is going to get.

kipp comes to talk to me.
i don't remember and didn't hear 90% of what he was saying.
something about me making CIs
which lead to how special the people on the team are
"instant friends"
great kipp. just add water? (oh how witty. in case you, the reader, hasn't realized, we're a swim team.)

at one point i thought he was referring to me as a geek. i was straining so hard to hear what he was saying, people thought he was hitting on me. he kept grabbing my arm. oh kipp. the geek thing went like this "geek something something. i'm used to something something geek, gaye's used to it, but it takes a little while to getting used to."
then he is suddenly talking about danielle (a rookie. the special olympian) and how they've known each other for ten years and she's like his best friend. then he's talking about when he first came to swimming and how he knew he wanted to go to mac after an older swimmer (an olympian i've never heard of. but then again, how many olympians have you heard of, and compare that to the number that there actually are) went drinking with him then at the first meeting, grabbed his arm (he grabbed my arm) and said "you're sticking with me" or something.

what else..

he said how you're a team. you don't swim for you nor gaye, but for ... then he started pointing at all the swimmers in the room. one by one. concentrating very hard. perhaps a little too much of the drinkie drink.

it was more like i was watching him talk than hearing him.

then something about acapulco. of course. it's important. gaye decides something something on three things. attendance, did you go to training camp, and performance. then he gave me a meaningful look that probably would have carried more meaning if i was about to follow our conversation. (probably).

i said "gaye told you to talk to me about acapulco?" he said that he gaye never tells him what to do, and went on about his independence and how gaye can't tell him to do anything, and how gaye said he respects him to much to tell him what to do, and then suddenly he's talking about how he coaches for free because he likes being around something something (i think the team feeling?) and he's just telling me all about acapulco because it's important, he's only interested in me as a person (say whaa?) and as a swimmer (oh, okay). no one knows you here, so [i missed about 20 minutes here] then it was about how he can't coach breaststroke, too bad, he's a freestyler, backstroker, flyer, not breaststroker. something about long distance free.. you see that guy? oh wait.. well if you hear about him, this guy and me, we did distance, him back and me free, and something something.. why is that girl in lane six!? get her out of there! what is that girl doing?! [talking about me, i guess? i think he was quoting gaye. don't you love the continuity in this conversation?]

that was pointless paragraph.

i don't even remember how the conversation ended.

there was probably more but since i couldn't hear most of it, it's definately pointless to blog about it.

the more people try to make me feel crazy and outgoing, the less i want to be.

so like i said, people are treating me differently now.
i am being quite objective when i say that suddenly a lot more guys are interested in being around me. it's disappointing. gabe, i'm thinking of.

i'm still surprised rosie thought i was slow. she mentioned a lot of people did. and when i swam, the people on deck were shocked. i felt hurt upon hearing this.

screw you, suckers.

it's probably because i always choose to do the easier sets at practice.

it's 3:30am now.

so i ended up talking to the guy i was half sitting on on the bus. his name's Abe. we ended up being cornered and sat there basically the whole time at quarters. i was amused by the approving looks people were giving us. i'm not interested in him like that. we left early (hah. half an hour before closing time) and he said something about him not being exciting. some girl who i thought was named kay but might be claire (and looks exactly like devon. and thinks devon's brother is hot) kept calling me cute and told me she wanted to be me. later she was passing out on a stool in front of us, then started barfing.

gabe lost his ring, found it in the barf.

numerous swimmers were kicked out and most likely banned.
like shannon, who was puking in the bathroom, with the crosses and wristbands (ie underage) as well as a quarter's staff member knocking on her stall door.
like rosie, for reasons you and i can probably guess at.
jenny didn't get past the door
so on..

i think kipp was trying to tell me that the swim team is my new family. they know that the reason why i wasn't going to go was family.
katrina said that to me after laurier. "now you have two families. one here and one... there"

these people see me as immature and sheltered.

i'm annoyed, amused, stubborn, excited and confused.

the generalizations and assumptions,
the sudden interest in me,
how they try so overly hard to make me less uncomfortable

i wonder if i'll ever act the same around them as i do around my real friends.
(real friends. how nice)

i dunno.

it was a good night
i'll probably look back on it on a better light than right now.

i don't like this blog, but i wanted to write this stuff down. for reference.

you love it.

p.s. i'm removing my archives because i'm ashamed of some things i've said. robin, this isn't directly related to your email, as i haven't read what i was writing about in the post you were referring to.

highlights from a trip you didn't really hear about.

pre-seattle


look at andrew's face in the back. it's hilarious.
rosco, you're so funny when you're being abused. he looks like he's given up all hope of ever getting out.


but he did. and then hid. and wouldn't let us get near him again.

seattle


my mom, givin' the ol' green aquadweller a jabbin' for.
"touch it, maimai! quickly!" - my mum.


i'm beating up a seal. it sassed me.

(it's a statue. who could resist?)


my cousin's pregnant wife, the day before going into early labor, doing what normal pregnant women do: work heavy machinery in their backyards.


what's there to say? i'm a jellyfish. you wish you were one too.

how do you tell if it's 3am the day of a chem midterm?

So my computer showed me who is boss, yet again, by freezing on me (what a slut) as i was working on my psych assignment. as i was waiting for it to reboot .. well..

[note: i am sitting down. that is my bed behind me. i told you. i sleep two meters off the floor.]


nobody ever said studying was pretty. really.. they didn't. and there's proof. so THIS is what a brain fart would look like if a brain fart was a 17 year old asian girl. it looks like the folds of my brain are about to burst out of my forehead.


no, i'm cool guys. i love this stuff!


[three seconds later]


why must you hurt me so, Studying?


you know you want me.


it was at this point that eunice was visited by someone.


i'd imagine this is the face my eardrums would be making, if they could make faces. eunice's excited voice always made the babies cry.


so anyway..


wait..


she's still talking!! (i took this picture and for lack of anything better to do {that's not true. i had tons of stuff that needed to be done, but you know how it is}, i drew a moustache on myself, and gave myself red lips and blue eyeshadow.)


oh i'm so funny. look at me. i'm so damn proud of myself. and i'm doing that thing that everyone who takes pictures of themselves do: i'm trying not to look like i'm aware that i'm taking a picture of myself. looking away, seemingly engrossed in something else.. i was actually thinking this as i took the picture here. which explains...


... why i'm hamming it up so much here.
there is a dent in my forehead. towards the top right. it's from when i collided with a boy on the corner of st.pete's and got a goose egg on that spot. he lost his two front teeth. the same thing happened the next year, same corner, same recess.


i'm laughing at my own stupidity.
and i'm recording it.
for your pleasure.

am i pathetic?


or a GENIUS?!


genius, obviously.

by the way, this is how you pick a nose with "vigour and triumph".


"heh heh heh.. nose picking... classic!"


i didn't really pick my nose. this is to prove it.


have i really been taking pictures of myself for the past hour, while my chem midterm awaits me in 7 hours?


oh god, what have i become..

fin.

teresa

i'm very very very glad that her voice wasn't annoying.

this is my late first impression of her (because the right thing to do is judge people you just met and post your opinion on the internet where people who know the individual will see it, and possibly even the individual herself).

it's a good one, anyway.

i think i was so impressed by the sound of her voice (wow that sounded a lot more romantic than i ever wanted it to) because eunice's is so walla wallooO, and robin the housemate's is so loo loo loOO.

i'm serious.

shut up, or i'll sock it to ya! (like i did to jen. we have the same socks! so she says..)

aaahaha i'm so funny. will i be my own best friend?

no.

aw.

WAAAH NO MORE BIOLOGY, PLEASE!

happy birthday emma!

(the exclamation mark makes it festive)

this is for you:

when i first met you i really really wanted your purple plaid/snakeskin pattern pants.

i kind of still do.


...


how do i manage to turn everything joyful and happy into creeps galore?

happy birthday, you big whore!

(that was for the sake of rhyme... i swears.)

will this be on the test?

so i've obviously been studying cellular and molecular biology.

with the cell to cell communications, cell dividing, and cellular responses...
all of it is different reactions, dictated by the properties expressed by the molecules/atoms that make up the structure.

all we are are funny shaped sacks of cells.
not even sacks, we're just a huge lump of cells.
right up to our brains.

and so many things have branched from this..

morals, the song stuck in my head, the idea of marriage, family, joy, hurt, boredom
are just a bunch of molecules moving around, interacting with other ones.

it's so weird.

i feel like there must be a little person inside, who is the reason why people can sing in their heads, invent pepper shakers, hate, write literature, enjoy souping-up cars, play hacky-sack, discover calculus..

so is that the soul, then?
but it's not a physical thing.

especially your brain.
it's just a big mush of cells. does it physically hold your memories? where does your knowledge go? can you teach a cell then put it into your brain? how can you even be reading this? do our cells know english?

i mean, what's the big deal.
we're all just a whole lot of cells talking to each other. and deeper than that, we're just a constant system of chemical and physical reactions. and yet there's art. what a weird by-product of life.

so i have feelings.
but my cells don't. but they're me.
when do emotions come into play? at which level of organization?
do bacteria have feelings? no..
but where does it start? starfish can feel pain, but they don't have emotions, do they?
is it a matter of evolution?
is it possible a starfish will ever have a song stuck in it's "head"?


i hope you understand completely what i'm trying to explain. i don't think you do because i don't think i explained it well.

the horse is dead, in any case.

i'm just saying that
if all we are is a bunch of cells
it's interesting that we feel the need for our own versions of religion/beliefs.

[poke, poke]

one is legally dead once the brain stops showing activity.
but what's so different?

"The Answer to the Great Question Of ... Life, the Universe and Everything ... [is] Forty-two."
-Douglas Adams: The Hitch Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy

i'm at the library and this keyboard is superspringy.

it sounds like a pop gun going off every time i press a key.

i'm pretty much typing just because i like the sound.

but anyway,

someone forgot to mark off that they were at a public computer and i saw their hotmail address.

"c6h12o6daddy"

oh me, oh my.

i'll be rubbing my nose.

i realize it looks like i'm picking it to the people who may be walking by my window.

i pick it with vigour and triumph.

there was an old man looking up (i won't be so self-absorbed to say "into my window" but i think it was into my window. oops..) and when i noticed him, he quickly walked away.

my bike tires seem flat.
but i go so fast!


that was a poem.

so was that.

(that wasn't, though.)

they weren't that bizarre, actually.

i just don't want to add anything to that post.
i'm kind of surprised i shared that story.

new waterford girl reminded me of who i thought i was when i saw it.
that was a while ago.
i'm not sure why i liked it so much.
i still do. actually, it does remind me of me.

memeemeeee!

saaay whaaaa?

i was just imagining what the movie version of life of pi would be like too!

you should go read it.

the ending blew my mind!
(i.e. a breeze softly brushed my noggin'. of gold. and my head, as well)

i imagine the movie versions of (insert noun) would be like a lot.

just last weekend i imagined the movie version of my life. i think it would be a comedy-drama. dramady. guys probably wouldn't be interested in watching it. it'd probably only open in independent theatres. you'd hear about it for a while, but eventually forget it. you'd see it on video and think "aw! i really wanted to see that!" but then you'll see something better on the shelf above, and after thirty seconds of genuine confliction of heart, you'd choose the one above and promise yourself to get my life's story next time, but never will. oh well, that's cool. maybe i'll tweak it to make it more appealing to the general public.

i thought that because i got in a short yet bitter fight with my mom on the drive home from josie's fire-party. the next night, i was studying in my room (which i never did even when i was living there) and andrew came in to try to make things better with my mom and i. i started crying and i don't think i've ever weeped like that in front of him. at least, not for emotional reasons. or maybe i have.. anyways, not in a long while. after my heart split open and barfed up all my tears and emotions (which took quite a while), he hugged me (and i thought: "they share an awkward, but heartwarming hug" and i said "thanks" ("an inhuman sound emerges: 'thanks'") and he went to go try to speak for me to our maw. i put my head down on my arms which were on open bio book ("the page reads 'Calcium Ions and Inositol Triphosphate' and is half highlighted") and cried some more. at least, until i sucked in a handful of my hair into my mouth and choked. ("trying to contain her crying, her breathing becomes irregular and she sucks in her own hair. there is silence as she straightens up to take it out of her mouth. after a few short moments, she laughs to herself. fade to black")

writing about that moment both cheapens and enriches it. neat how that is.

there were funny moments during the sad pouring of emotions on my part. i won't share them as they are quite bizarre (and considering the things i post in here, they must be VERY bizarre).

life of pi, eh?

good book.

shannon: we are, as far as i know. my cell's battery has died and the charger is back in the hammer. so home phone it is.

any ideas on transportation?
i think we should meet up at either my house or josie's.

there's always more

i couldn't stop laughing in calculus today.
first, it was because i can never stop laughing in calc. it's my favourite class. mostly because of dr.lovric (aka dr.love, unbeknownst to him), also because i actually know people in that class. i have it with allison and amanda, and also because we're still doing review (we did first principles ... today).

but dr.love was trying to say "position" and kept flubbing. he finally said "posicifity" and everyone laughed. and HE GIGGLED! it was one enthusiasitc.. "aaHEE!". with his microphone on, it reverberated throughout the lecture stadium. which made us all laugh more. in his befuddleness he had written "instantanos chage" but didn't notice. we all laughed (chortled, if you will) at that, but i couldn't stop. i'd keep looking up, see it, and chortle some more (aside: chortle is so garfield). five minutes later... i'd look up..

all it was was a spelling mistake, but i couldn't stop.

i pratically exploded.

i have a stuffy nose today. but it's one of those where sniffling doesn't help because they're really lodged. so it wasn't runny at all. (what a nice visual, especially after i introduce the thought of me exploding)

i had my physics test. it was out of 15 marks. and is considered a midterm.

all the tests are like that; less than 50 questions, yet worth more than 10%

the strangest thing happened in bio today. afterwards my heart was beating really quickly (i'm not sure why, and neither will you soon) and i couldn't concentrate at all.
some of the kids in my lecture section complain because our prof, bedard, talks quietly, soothingly, in a monotone voice. mumbles, maybe. i really hated it in the beginning, and kept falling asleep, but now i think he's a lot better (or maybe i'm used to it) and i like him as a lecturer. there are fewer and fewer people attending classes, either because they're going to the other lectures, they're just skipping, or maybe today was an exception because there was a physics test. either way, there were tons of seats up towards the front of the hall.

so with 15 minutes left to class, dr.bedard is in the middle of explaining something and from the back, someone shouts out "goodbye dr.bed-ard! goodbye dr.bed-ard!" (he couldn't even pronounce his name right). dr.bedard stops the middle of his sentence and looks up. the whole class turns and sees this one kid waving his arm in the very back of the hall, walking towards the door. "goodbye dr.bed-ard! nice having you as a teacher! goodbye!"

what an ass! (i saw it on his way out. jk. he really was a jackass.)

there were SO many seats closer to the front. what the hell was his problem?!

dr.bedard's reply: "good luck with your career."

someone in the side of the room: "ooooOOOoooooo"

hahahha

physics test. i saw nelson, and i really want to talk to him, but i never find him... alone..when he's vulnerable.
i meant that exactly how it looks.
(not really)
but i really want to hang out with him and get to know him in the most platonic way possible. i miss auntie. and since he and auntie are the same person, hanging out with him reconnects me with her.
stef was also there. i guess our lecture sections write tests together too. he came out of nowhere (not really, but you know) and said "team superstar..!" like he always does. i wish he wasn't hot. he's nice to all girls, but for that same reason he's a jackass. hot flirts are sucks.

i always see people, and know they saw me, but neither of us say hello. that keeps happening with swim-gabe. i feel like it should bother me, so it does.
(but it shouldn't.)

i should get to know the people in my classes more. i noticed i have the same classes with a lot of them. i even recognize a few. the thing that keeps me back is i always think "ohh they probably already have people to hang out with.." and how my being off campus means i shouldn't bother making friend with rez kids. which isn't true at all, (see: robin the housemate) and after telling allison this, and hearing her reply "well as far as i'm concerned, amanda's off campus to me.. her rez is way on the other side.." i felt better. i also feel a lot better because i thought i was the only one who was really disappointed that all laura, allison, amanda, abeer and i never hung out. but allison was really unhappy about that too. the fact that i thought i was the only one thinking that contributed to my thinking that off-campus was a social death sentence. and tisn't!

i've missed a lot of swimming lately. for academic reasons.
that makes me unhappy.

oh mcmaster..
i think i love you.
so what am i so afraid of?
a love i'm not quite sure of..

aaHEE!

read this, bitches!

we're going out on saturday. for a whole half day!

mall, movie, and general stupidity.

if you're reading this, you must come.

leave a comment; rsvp here, or on josie's.

NOW, SLUT!

saturday during day.

and then we will watch a sunset.

and be spontaneous (it is on my list of things to do).

there are no excuses for not coming!
bring pictures!
bring your yearbook!

josie is supplying the bonfire, and i will bring the imaginary marshmallows (real, if you're lucky.)

emma, does your store sell fireworks?

doo iit up..

today, my biology prof uttered the words, "tremendous diarrhea"

and it was good.

Point me out the happy man and I will point you out either egotism, selfishness, evil - or else an absolute ignorance.

-Graham Greene

i've lost all motivation. i would tell you how it feels, but it really doesn't feel like anything.

my mother worries.

i want to tell you how it is, but i don't want to go through the steps.

i like the feeling of drinking too much water.
you feel cool inside.
too bad you can't move much.

i swallowed pool water.
i have my bike
i bike.
i feel it's only time before i get hit.

physics lab was cancelled this week. i gained an extra 4 hours. they turned out to be perhaps the most wasted 4 hours of my life. instead of studying, i slept. instead of sleeping well, i slept uncomfortably on my arm, on my chem book, with a paperclip stabbing my forearm. it helped me jolt awake every 10 minutes.

someone in waterloo checks this. i'm hoping it's robin. and robin only.
someone in queens does too. i hope the only person there checking is dayna.
then there's someone from u of t. if it's gemma, great. but if it's not..

i was about to remove my archives again.
but then i thought, why bother.
if they have an issue, they will probably never bring it up to my face.
i can explain everything i say.

i'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me

my mom got that look again
and i knew she was going to tell me how disappointed she was that i'm at mcmaster.

(because sometimes i forget)

"you know, i really feel sorry for you that you didn't pick toronto"

i tried to cut her off by telling her that dalton mcguinty went to mcmaster.
she asked for what
i said for science. biology.
she said and now he's a lawyer?

i could see where it was heading

the pianist gave me many chills. i wish i could play music like that.

i can't play as well as before. my fingers are slow and don't remember what keys come next.
it's sad, but expected.

sometimes i forget that i can play piano. or ever flew a plane. or skiied. or drove. had best friends, wore a kilt, talked to julie, did gymnastics..

i forgot so many things about myself.

maybe they don't matter that much.

i miss the old days. (which ones?)
my problem is i realize what i have, before i lose it.
all i ever look forward to is the day it isn't around anymore.

i knew they couldn't last.

yep. looks like it's another 3am post.

i just finished chem quiz number two. i have to stop doing this to myself..
i was below average last time.

i played with a stray cat outside andrew's place today. now my throat is closing up.

i heard rosco scream.

i'm home, and not looking forward to tomorrow.

i'm missing so much practice.

i have less independence than before.
in the way that i'm always having to make room for people visiting, daily phone calls, schedules to follow..
less independence, but more responsibility.
i guess it's objective.

i said i realize what i have before i lose it, but i didn't say i was always grateful.

happy hangover, jen and josie.

hello

sloan was awesome.

cuff the duke was even better.

hah, from oshawa.

meeting lee, who had just ran into chris from sloan in williams coffee pub, was exciting.
finding out he managed to get a ticket from someone in line for the sold out show was even moreso.

having drunk boys rub themselves against my legs/ass/back was not as fun.
shoving the people shoving me was.
took a few pictures.

it was a good night.

lee's 28 and engaged (because these kind of things come up in normal small talk). but he looks a lot younger. it was really heartwarming to watch him talk about his fiancée. he was saying how talented she was, and how he didn't know what she was doing with him, because she could do anything (with her masters in library science... well you never know. i know i don't.) he didn't seem to mind hanging out with who must have been the youngest people in quarters (which is surprisingly nice, roomy, and funky). we got cokes and when he saw us with them he said: "hey, i think i might try one of those" i don't think he realized how humourous he was being.

i like bands who make you feel proud for them.

like coldplay, and now sloan. you say, "aw way to go, fellas."

cuff the duke cd, to be listened to tomorrow. they were great. first prize (with a gold star).

now i will take off my many "BEER NO" markings and get some sleep.

toronto tomorrow.

bio quiz was a breeze.
famous last words.
i'm an ass.
and WHAT an ass!
sizzle sizzle.. fizz..

whatever the hell that means.

saw jeff and gabe the swimmers at the test. we were writing in one of the temporary classrooms, aka bomb shelters. it was a lot nicer inside than i thought it would be. jeff turned and was distance talking to someone. i wasn't sure if he was talking to me so i just kept smiling and sometimes frowning (i.e. too many embarassing moments that started out with me thinking someone was distance talking to me). it wasn't until he mimed swimming freestyle in his chair, 25 rows ahead of me that i realized he was "talking" to me at all. he was asking if i had gone to swimming (because you care. AND YOU WILL, DAMMIT!). i saw the pretty bio boy (he says his name is scott), as well. which is no surprise as we have the same lab and tutorial section. and i think the same lecture time too. (look who's done her research! just kidding. aw, you don't believe me. and by "you" i mean shannon. she always seems to believe the worst about me, yet doesn't judge... openly. :p).

i didn't want to mention him to robin or eunice, because that seems to jinx things. just like asking people's names after meeting them. as soon as you do, you never see them again. at least people you meet randomly, like alex and .. hey... scott.. from the bookstore line, lee.. kris.. so on.

but then again, i'm talking about him now (in my self-absorbed, talking about myself kind of way) and this would be his 2nd paragraph on the subject of him, so enough of this stupidity.

it's just funny, because

whatever.

yeah, it funny because i'm not feeling all the insecurities that one usually feels when it comes to pretty boys. i think i know what he's thinking.

because i'm such a sexpot, and i know "men" so well.
i'm so experienced and sophisticated.
plus i have that exotic yet glamorous air that is simply irresistable ("shee's soo fiine..")

aaahhh yes.

if you didn't realize i was joking..

it's 3am. can't you tell.

hah, it's all based on looks too. i guess you have to start somewhere..

wow, crazy crowd...
i was getting roughed up so badly. i was frustrated at first, and robin kept asking if i was okay, which i found slightly annoying. she kept making room for me, which i didn't want to take, because i wanted to shove them back. so i did, and then later it just became hilarious, and we were all just joking around.

like that makes any sense.

this one kid... he was pissing everyone off with his one man mosh pit. on the last song, during the encore, the security guards (hah..) grabbed him by the shirt from behind the guardrail, and was messing him up. it was pretty funny.

i wore makeup for the first time since coming here, and put more than 30 seconds attention on my hair. i think i impressed robin. hah, great. maybe she'll make out with me. "this is as good as it gets, boys"

i remember when i had short hair, i said that once i had long hair, i would always do fun stuff with it, and take great care of it. now i rarely shower after swimming, don't brush it, and go to school with the hair i wake up with. i think that's why i like wearing hoodies; if you have a huge dent in your hair, no one can tell, because your hair doesn't lie straight when you wear a hoodie anyways.

see, i think about these things. i have it figured out. i'm on my way..

ahh... i like being straight and hitting on girl friends. it's fun. and i can't be rejected. hahahahaha (ha?). actually.. i think i only did that to josie, laurie, and sometimes julia.

i'm off to pick the popcorn kernels out of my teeth, slather zit-be-gone (i.e. vitamin A -- ahh, perks of being doctor's daughter.. you get all the heavy duty zit creams) where needed.. i suppose i should wash the whale blubber and ground bones off my face first, maybe take off my bobby-pin helmet..

glamour, personified.

[and more!]..
there was a poster sale for a few days in the student centre. allison and i were looking at a couple. she points to one and says "that poster personifies me!"
only allison could be personified by a poster.

i keep smiling at my calc prof. it's disgusting. i had to ask him a question, and i kept laughing. i kept doing this with mike last year too. i find them so amusing. they are quirky.

ew. i sound like a ... is there a word for it? anyway, a gross person.

alright, these kernels really need to go.

what kind of fool doesn't think about it...

parched popcorn lips.
ow ow!

wish you were here, as always.

oh yeah,

i wore my u of t sweater this morning.

it was uneventful.

i need to start wearing my mitts.

my knuckles have gone rough, itchy, and discoloured from wind exposure. just my knuckles though. because the make a fist as you try to stretch your sleeve around your hand method doesn't cover my knuckles.

i talked to my mom on the phone, and was suddenly extremely annoyed. so much so that i started tearing. she forgot my bike. and i was very upset. i couldn't talk, i was so frustrated.

my moods are being weird.

i don't like self-righteous people.

i don't like when people judge and create stereotypes. often it's those who think they are being stereotyped who create the stereotypes. i know what makes them think they have the right and the judgement. hypocritical.

i read some things. then i read into them. now i'm mad.

i want to talk to josie, but not in any other form than with her sitting right beside me.

thanksgiving is coming soon.

my bio test tomorrow.

sloan tomorrow.

i'm listening to music recommended by laurie.

it's very different from the song i recommended to her.

it reminds me of a less boring enya. and less female.

did i tell you?
at the last physics lab, stef said he had met the girl he was going to marry. "is her name steph?" "no, dammit. it's chrissie" "aw, too bad." "she doesn't know it yet though. i don't think she remembers my name"
he was talking about braveheart, and i said i'd never seen it. he said we'd go to his room that night to watch it. i did a "huh" laugh, which he may have interpreted negatively, because he said "okay back to physics" right away. i didn't have time to say anything. which is fine. when we leave the lab room, we usually part ways at the end of a short hallway. he came with me out my way this time, which ended up being farther from his residence than his normal exit. i guess he won't be coming out that way with me anymore.

he kept calling nelson, henry. i want to get to know nelson. it'd be cool because of auntie.
my dad wants me to befriend all the studious kids. who are from immigrant families. i've been trying, sadly. it's hard to make friends. but kind of interesting to be conscious of the strategies i create.

i was reading my archives (again) and it was so obvious i was very interested in krystian. but at the time i remember making sure i wouldn't think about it and i was keeping myself from admitting it.

i like this mood.

laurie's hair is fabulicious.

i'm eating unsalted, extra plain corn nuts. they are starting to taste like sweat.

sweat nuts. lovely.

whatever happened to those wheat germ crunch ones?

hee hee
i kept giggling on my way home. because there is a pretty boy in my bio tutorial.

i also kept hearing chitterings, and twig snaps high in the trees. i think it was that squirrel.

it's fahreezing out! i've been wearing my straight (strait?) jacket from china.

i bought my sloan ticket today!

the fact that my wallet is velcro embarasses me somewhat.
maybe also the fact that it was a toy from a happy meal long ago.
it's teenage mutant ninja turtles (with donatello...you win some, you lose some).

reminder to self:
do the physics problem in your notes.

but there was something else i was trying to remember...

ah yes!
there was a mug on the counter last night. half full with chocolate milk. there was a fly buzzing around as i cooked some noodles. later, when i went to wash my dishes, i saw the fly face down in the milk. it drowned in the milk. and was floating around. it wasn't mine, so i refused to get rid of it.

i told aiko and she seemed surprised i saw it but didn't clean it (but she still hasn't cleared the garbage, even though she made the rule that when it's your turn you have to clear it every day..). she said that it was actually still alive.

i don't know what i think about that..

maybe she was mad because she drank it?
maybe she didn't
there was another fly buzzing around when that fly was in the mug.

at least i think it was hers.

lalalaa..

this is what you have to look forward to next year off campus, suckers!

OCT. 3 - SLOAN @ QUARTERS!